Careful What You Pray For . . .

I'm letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe
So I'm letting go

-Francesca Battistelli - I'm Letting Go
From the album My Paper Heart

No matter what it takes I will offer,
Everything I am I give to you
Even unto death I will follow,
No matter what the price I will give to you now

-Jeremy Camp - No Matter What It Takes
From the album Beyond Measure

When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for God
Somebody said
Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

-Relient K - Getting Into You
From the album Two Lefts Don't Make A Right...

The three songs above are getting pretty good rotation on air1 lately. All three convict me. If I'm not good at waiting, letting go is another degree of challenge altogether. The sermon series at our church, though exploring 1 Corinthians, Isaiah, ect, over a couple years seems to hover around the concept of idols. More specifically the need to identify and destroy any idol in our life as they separate us from God.

I'm learning to let go of my plans and dreams. I am learning to desire Him, and His plans and dreams for me.

When Emily and I were engaged we asked someone we respected how we could be sure our desire to be married was God's desire for us. First he asked if we sought God first, if we did, then the desires of our hearts were His desires. Yeah. Kinda like Descartes' "I think therefore I am."

Knowing where God has led me and where I am right now, I did not truly desire God first at the time. To be honest, I'm a lot like the old Methodist preacher Robert Robinson (assuming Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing is autobiographical):

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

"Prone to leave the God I love." It seems like a contradiction, but how rich the truth of a Christian's life this side of glory. Every time I sing the words, I am pained that I fail the very One I love. But it is He that can seal our hearts, not us. It is He who binds us in His goodness so that we can never wander too far.

This goodness, this grace, amazing grace, draws us to Him. Like the 'woman of the city' in Luke 7, I understand what it means to be forgiven much, very much. And now that I focus my will that I may be nearer to Him (despite my wandering flesh), I dare pray the songs above, even "no matter what the price I will give to you now." How freeing it is to also pray, "Father God, that You may be glorified, do what You need to do in my life: take my hopes, my dreams, my desires, take anything that prevents me from truly following You. Open the eyes of my heart. Amen"